Best of three
2020 has been a brutal year. The past 11 months have felt like an entire lifetime and simply staying (quite literally) alive has been a Herculean effort.
As I’ve spent most of my time safely locked inside my apartment, I’ve also had way more time to fill. I tried baking, knitting, homemade-pasta-making, and my wrung-out brain even managed to read nine books. And then I tried video games.
I am not exactly a gamer. Despite all my begging for a Nintendo DS as a child, I didn’t grow up with any consoles. (I am, however, a dedicated Match-3 aficionado, but you don’t exactly need high-level strats for that kind of thing.)
But, as it turns out, video games have ended up being one of the main things that have gotten me through this year.
Three, to be precise: Animal Crossing, Spiritfarer, and Hades.*
(*Minor spoilers for all three.)
Animal Crossing: New Horizons was released on March 20, about a week into lockdown here in Boston. Instead of queueing up at Gamestop, my husband and I pre-ordered via the Nintendo Switch and watched the clock tick down to midnight.
The game opened and the iconic soundtrack washed over me, and I felt an immediate sense of physical relief I hadn’t experienced since that first long week of oppressive terror and overwhelming uncertainty began.
The whole island was colorful and vibrant, full of kindly animal friends who greeted me whenever I ran up to chat with them. Every day I woke up early to pick fruit, customize my outfit according to the in-game weather, decorate my house, catch bugs and fish, dig up fossils, and explore the bright, cheerful environment.
It was meditative, in a way, allowing me to focus on only one task at a time. Everything was simple and easy. There were no stakes and no pressure to reach any particular goals. I was comforted and safe in this world; there were no harsh edges and I was surrounded by kindness.
In the following months, the pandemic marched its way across the world, dropping hundreds of thousands of people in its wake, and the undertow pulled me back in.
Then, in the summer, along came Spiritfarer.
I played as Stella, a young girl appointed to the task of ferrying spirits across from the afterlife to their final destination, accompanied by her cat, Daffodil.
Throughout the journey, I met characters who were either personally related to me — a childhood best friend, an uncle, a teacher — or who had their own stories to share. They all lived on a barge with me, which I upgraded to each of their specifications. To keep them happy, I cooked them meals they liked and did the tasks they needed. I grew fruits and vegetables, and (like in Animal Crossing) hung out on the aft of the barge, waiting for fish to swim by.
When I found the option to give each friend a hug, I almost cried. I hadn’t hugged my mom in months.
I got to know these friends by traveling along in this beautiful hand-drawn world, revealing their stories as I went. I explored the setting and environment, which included cities, forests, mines, provincial towns, and seasides. I met the locations’ residents and completed mini missions, like delivering messages to a faraway friend.
Similar to Animal Crossing, there was no way to fail. I was not punished for any action I did or didn’t do; just gently offered ways to continue the plot.
And, one by one, I had to say goodbye to my friends. As the spiritfarer, I brought each of my friends to the spirit door, give them one last hug, and watched them disappear. I ensured that they didn’t go alone.
This game helped me process some of the enormous collective grief of this year. I am so incredibly fortunate that I haven’t lost anyone close to me due to the virus, but a quarter of a million people in the U.S. alone is still a vast, incalculable loss.
Saying goodbye to these characters I’d come to love in this beautiful, gentle little world was painful, but gave me the space to mourn without the total gravity of all those real people’s lives completely crushing me.
In the end, I had to pass through the door, too, but I held off as long as I could. Even though there was no reason to stay, even though I was now all alone, I still had to accept that I had to finally let go.
Now, I am in the midst of Hades, which officially released about two months ago.
It is the story of the son of Hades, Zagreus, who is desperately trying to escape to the surface.
The godling and I fight through room after room, enemy after enemy, aided by his Olympian aunts, uncles, and cousins. And he dies again and again and again.
As we progress, we learn more about his relationship with his father, the denizens of the Underworld, and his missing mother.
Each time he dies, we return to Tartarus to spend the items he’s collected to get stronger — better weapons, more health, and so on.
Each time, he gets stronger, slashing his way through furies, a hydra, gorgons, a minotaur, and, eventually, the god of the Underworld himself.
But as Zagreus gains strength, the game gets smarter. It spawns more enemies and harder environments. It fights back. There is no comfort or gentleness here.
And he keeps dying.
He is still determined, despite it all. There is grief, but there is mostly anger. He wants so badly to get out, but is sent back time and time again, beat back by each unforgiving stage and ultimately unable to withstand the mortal world. And still he keeps going.
Zagreus and I are in it together. I am fighting through, day by day, burningly furious that the government has allowed a quarter of a million people to die and it does not care. I, too, am slashing my way to the end, whenever that is, whatever that looks like.
There is a month and a half left until 2020 ends and it is an uphill battle, even from there. I am trying to get stronger through it all.
I am trying to break the surface.
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